So I awake this morning to TAP. TAP. TAP. Really early. I’m having some crazy dream and get jolted awake. While in this hazy half awake state trying to distinguish what the fuck this tap-tap-tap noise is…. because I’m not in my logical mind get, it’s not registering. I try to go back to sleep anyways.

Still…… TAP. TAP. TAP.

Yet, I’m a stubborn woman sometimes and I’ve been working my ass off, so I STILL try to go back to sleep. My body is tired, I’ve been doing hard physical training, also in the middle of moving…. I need my rest!

No dice. This fucking tap-tap-tap.

So, I launch myself up out of my bed and into an awake state. Immediately I have to pee. While going “tinkle”, as us big girls call it, I come to realize it’s raining. Wow! Still raining. This has been days now….

…… and then it fucking hits me. Raining.

TAP. FUCKING. TAP.

And this morning I discovered rain has a new mood for me best described in poetic symbolism: &*#%^$&*#!@&^%$#(@!(*!!!!!!!

The rain is an alarm clock with no freaking snooze button. Bastard! To add to that, my computer is running slow today. It never runs slow. I have a list of a gazillion and one things to do and not one looks appealing except yoga class at 6:30pm. Which deems me certifiably crazy because it’s an extremely hard class, in a room over 105 degrees. AND, I’m on my monthly moon. BUT, I know beyond a doubt it will get my mind, body, emotions and soul back in alignment…. the problem is, I have to wait until 6:30 and the day is done.

What does all that equal? I think there is a chance I’m going to be a feisty, feisty woman today.

There is a cascading fall of rain outside my window. Each droplet is beautifully vulnerable as it surrenders to the ground it lands on. It is steely gray out and cloudy. The mood could be ominous, fore-boding, contemplative, peaceful, restful… all depending on one’s perspective. Everything in life is perspective. To set the tone, I thought a self shot photo would capture my present expression shared with you today…

Self shot photo of me in the shower

The sound of the rain is beautiful. If you close your eyes and really listen, rain is a symphony all it’s own. It goes through moments of soft steadiness, to staccato tempos, thunderous crescendo climaxes, innuendos of salsas, romantic suites….. there is not one moment that sounds the same as the one before. Each is unique, similar to all things genuinely full of life. Thinking of it now, I don’t believe I’ve ever had one orgasm that felt the same. Not once. Have you?

Rain is moody. If it’s bright sun out, there is always this sense of optimism and hope. I could be feeling discouraged and the energy of the sun brightens my day. (Come to think of it, how lovely if I could try to reflect that and be just that, brightness and lightness, to anyone I encounter). Yet rain has much deeper complexities it the atmosphere it creates. It is usually completely dependent on me and how I’m feeling. I’ve felt the rain reflect my deep pain and the drops represent my own tears streaming down my face. I’ve also danced in the rain, splashing and kicking puddles, joyfully playing… I’ve wanted to hibernate, read, rest and recover when it rains… I’ve felt discouraged, afraid and found the rain to be a depressing foreshadowing of hopelessness…. or like now…

…. I find the rain to be philosophical and contemplative. I have choices to make and I search my instinct for answers that lead me to my own truth. It always astounds me how nature can clarify my thoughts and feelings for me. I watch the drops and wonder what the pattern tells me as a reflection of the pattern of thoughts in my mind… and the pattern of choices I make in my life. The all the makes me, uniquely me, gathering up and flowing like this stream, following the gravitational pull of life’s mountainous peaks and plunging valleys. Where does my stream take me… can I see that far ahead? Do I go with my own flow? Or do I create dams to keep me stuck in patterns of the past? Do I fearlessly trust that who I am is enough to flow forward courageously towards whatever waterfall or ocean that awaits me? Do I believe the drop of rain that is the simple uniqueness that is I can create the dreams that reside within? Will the ground embrace me as I fall, exposing my weakness and strengths? What is the alternative, to remain closed off from fears, withholding all my energy, containing and controlling my water to conform out of fear of lack or future pain?

Stagnant water does not beget life. My floods gates are unleashed. I am who I am. Will the collective pool of rain that is society judge my expressions? Perhaps some may, maybe many even, but certainly not all. In fact, some may even feel free, because of my choice to express with freedom.  That is more than enough for me.

There is something to all this mystery and symbolism. The rain. Uniqueness. Emotions. Thoughts. Life. Courage.

Be you. If you aren’t, whoever will be?

Just as I type that, the rain has stopped, there is a part in the sky for some blue sky to peek through… it could be a momentary pause or perhaps the rest of the day will shine with sun.

Take from it what you will…